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Konichiwa motherfuckers! Japan was next on the itinerary and it was refreshing to be somewhere so uniquely different from the rest of Asia. Autumn in Japan is the best time to visit when the trees go all manners of yellow, orange and red. The people are lovely, welcoming and incredibly polite. At first I struggled with the constant bowing, and I instinctively raised my hands to my chest and bowed "Thai-style". Once I perfected the legs together, arms by my side bowing, I found myself doing it constantly, often whilst walking backwards. This custom was hard to escape as I found myself subconsciously doing it even weeks after I’d left.

We arrived in Shiminoseki, Japan by (freight) boat. It was a long 36 hours of sickening sea on a frigate which could have taken 500 people yet only had about 20. This meant that the cinema, restaurant, karaoke room, gym, jacuzzi, ping-pong room, tv room etc were ours for the taking. Met a Swiss builder who quite quickly became a stalking psycho (shit I hope he doesn’t read this- he’ll kill me- literally) and finally met my ping pong nemesis (a geriatric, Japanese table tennis teacher), but I reckon he only beat me cos the bats were a little hollow, and I felt sea sick and the room was at a slight angle and the sun was in my eyes etc.

Hiroshima was our next port of call which of course was the site of the first ever atomic bomb to be used in warfare. They have some eerie yet strangely beautiful memorials and remnants including the A-bomb dome which stands as a reminder of the devastation that can be caused by nuclear war. It is jaw-dropping to be walking around in a city that was once flattened by something that the world had never before seen and fingers crossed, will never see again. Hydrogen bombs currently exist that are over 100 times more powerful than the Atomic bomb dropped in 1945 and Japan is quite rightly a country that is at the forefront for non-proliferation. It is quite frightening that countries still possess such weapons and the museums highlight the dangers of their continuing existence and development.

In Kobe, one of my former flat mates Ryo and his family took great care of us. It was here where I experienced my first Japanese toilet. Now I know that my fascination with toilets has become borderline weird, or perhaps even obsessive, but fuck it- this shit isn’t normal. When you open the door, the toilet seat springs open. You sit down on a preheated toilet seat where you begin your business. Good start. Once you are done, countless, unintuitive Japanese symbols confront you. Uh oh! If you press the right one, a jet of warm water shocks you to attention. The next button to find is the water off button. I nearly had to call Ryo’s dad to the bathroom as I could not get the damn thing to stop, and if I stood up it was gonna get messy. Eventually I worked it out (I think it was the yellow one followed by the pink one), and a new probe thingy popped out which could only be described as an arse hair dryer. After 15 minutes, I emerged from the ordeal feeling violated and thinking that in the future, I’d stick to toilet roll.

We also stayed with Kazuto, an Edinburgh footballing legend, who introduced us to one of the strangest customs we have experienced on this trip... the Japanese Onsen or public baths. An Onsen is basically a large spa where you get to relax in large hot/ freezing cold pools, saunas and steam rooms. Sounds pretty normal right? Well, it is, until you realise that you're stark naked with about 100 other guys. Orlando and I rolled with it and got to know each other on a whole new level. The best area was the electric pool which pumps little bolts of electricity through the water making every muscle in your body twitch! Since the Onsen, Orlando and I have been unable to look each other directly in the eye. haha.

We visited Osaka which was a large, modern Japanese city where we met a cat in a graveyard which I nicknamed Orlando cos it was ginger and a little needy. Kyoto is far more how you’d picture Japan. We hunted for and eventually came across some Geishas and forced them to take some pictures with us. We also visited some delightful Zen Gardens and temples on a bike in order to satisfy our huge cultural appetite! We then traveled by Shinkansen (bullet train) to mount Fuji where we made a fool out of ourselves by claiming that we’d be climbing it the next morning only to find out that it was off season, covered in snow and that we'd probably die.

In Tokyo, we continued our gypsy-like seeking of free accommodation by staying with Orlando's Third cousin, 8 times removed (or something like that). Rachel and Hendrik endured us for about 5 days and took great care of us (muchos gracius guys!). The first night, we crashed a leaving do where we got hammered on Sake before hitting up a Karaoke bar. Karaoke in Japan is a big deal, where you lounge in a huge room surrounded by more booze and then get to pick from about a million songs before a microphone is thrust in your face. The Japs are very serious Karaokeers and will sing ballads in perfect tune and expect people to politely sit and listen. When you visit with a load of Europeans, some South Americans and one Japanese local, it goes a bit crazy and everyone just belts out a few lines whenever they can be pissed. Orlando (being an idiot) decided that our song would be "It Ain't No Fun (If the Homies Can't Have None)" by Snoop Dogg et al, which starts with the lyrics "this is DJ Eazy Dick, on the station that slaps you across your fat ass, with a fat dick". After our rendition was cut short, the Japanese guy in the room made his excuses and promptly left. We also had an appalling go at "Killing me Softly", but singing with Orlando is like singing with a howling dog so someone saved us by pressing the "skip" button about 1/4 of the way through. What follows is a rendition of Stevie Wonder which I promised Hendrik (the vocal leader) that I wouldn't post. Couldn't resist...

Since Tokyoers are probably the hardest working people on earth (appalling suicide rates), when it comes to the weekend, they go a little crazy. We visited Yoyogi Park in Harajuku which feels like a dream. Firstly, the goth contingent is startling and they like to dress in crazy Victorian costumes with a twist of devil (the bastards even get upset when you dare picturise them). Next minute, you find yourself in an area where there is an American Pink Cadillac with 30 grown men dressed as Danny from Grease dancing for hours on end to various Elvis hits. Next you have an alley which is lined with wannabe pop stars who dance and sing their hearts out to anyone that'll listen. You turn a corner and there is a petting zoo where numerous terrified animals are force fed carrots by little clumsy Japanese toddlers. Animals are abused elsewhere by enforcing them to wear humiliating and degrading costumes. Someone call the RSPCA.

On our final night, we got horridly hammered again. On the train, we met the jokesest HeShe I've ever seen with full on stubble, a deep yet soft voice and who looked much like the main witch from that film "The Witches". We asked it for directions then backed off slowly. That night, we got pissed, had an argument, had a dance, fell asleep on the train, woke up in the burbs, pushed our way through the early morning rush hour, stumbled through the door at 7am, went to sleep, woke up far too late, wrote some postcards before nearly missing the old plane. Phew!

Well, there goes my Japan summary. I finish my post with a challenge: Anyone who can find a song with more inappropriate lyrics than "It Ain't No Fun" wins a mystery prize. Read the lyrics here as they are fucking hilarious you cunt faced chumps. Until next time bitches, this is DJ Willy G giving a shout out to all my area code hoes all around the globe yo! Syo-nara bastards.
Posted by Will Ryan under the category Travel.
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