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Our voyage continues into the main body of China. We started in Xi'an where we saw the impressive Terracotta Warriors. About two thousand years ago, over 8000 stone soldiers were buried in battle formation to help Emperor Qin Shi Huangdi rule an empire in his afterlife (baloney if you ask me). For some reason, this was forgotten about(!), then rediscovered by a farmer about 20 years ago whilst digging a well. They are now slowly being excavated, each solider individually sculpted to look different. Very cool. That's enough history for now.

On our exit from Xi'an we couldn't get the normal 'white tourist' class, so had to settle in the 'hard seat' section for the 24hr journey. The first thing we see is some Chinese woman using the carriage sink to chop fruit and veg and a fat, topless chinaman lying across 4 seats snoring. There were also hundreds of other Chinese doing equally inappropriate shit. Sensing that this class wasn't for us, we went searching for an upgrade. We gambled the wrong direction which meant a 2km round trip through the pandemonium with Orlando's 3 tonne bag. I could sense people thinking "who are these royal-looking cunts" especially after waking up a number of people for the second time by slapping them in the face with my bag. On the journey, we also met a computer science-looking American guy who was obviously in China for the easy pootang. He produced my favourite quote of the trip: "Being in the East and white is what I imagine it to be like being a hot blond in the west". Despite Orlando and I agreeing, we are an exception to this rule, accumulating a big fat zero between us :(
Went to a beautiful town called Fenghuang which was only marred by an army of Chinese tourists in boats wearing really bright orange life jackets. 30 adults, 1metre deep water- all non swimmers? You avin a laff!? Went on a bike ride to discover rural China only to find a coal mine and a power station. To pass the time on that little excursion I enjoyed pelting Orlando with various fruits and berries that were conveniently growing by the road side. Also spent many hours working out how to escape the town using google translator as my proxy. The Chinese-English translations were constantly littered with the word "pakistan" which confused the hell out of me; the Chinese recipients of my English messages often gave me funny looks or burst out into hysterics.


In Yangshuo, we learnt how to cook some stuff and hired an Electric motorbike to visit various things. I also discovered that if Orlando is irritating me, I can deter him by wearing my nut necklace or spraying him with my milk/beer-filled water gun. Brilliant. Another piece of Orlando news: yesterday, he managed to confuse a waitress to the point where she brought him three meals. During the meal, there was a large piece of crab meat that had somehow managed to find itself nestled above his eye brow. Extraordinary.


Have been really missing my Premiership football lately as well as other western media. This crisis has been solved over the last 10 days after visiting Macau and Hong Kong (currently watching Man Utd Blackburn). The games are on at really inconvenient times: last night, was up till 4am watching Liverpool Fulham which killed this morning. Champions League is even worse. Onwards. Macau is really sick. Portuguese colonial architecture alongside the Las Vegas of the East. Construction is on an unprecedented scale and will rival Vegas within a few years. Just like Vegas, you get free drinks when you're gambling which always reminds me of Bouce. Two years ago, we found ourselves in Vegas where free drinks only come when you're on the tables (where you blow a minimum of a fiver a minute). When Bouce joined a table and got offered a free drink he replied "I'll have two rum and cokes, and Will- what are you having?". Classic.



Hong Kong has been really fun as well but everything is way over our budget so we've pretty much adopted a look and don't touch policy. This is fine cos the landscape and skyscrapers are very impressive. We're staying in a place called Chung King mansions which is a massive 16-story block, packed to the rafters with Africans, Pakistanis and Indians- it's very similar to New Jack City. It's dirty, stinks of curry and easy to get a sexy massage and we're breaking the bank to even stay there!

Oh yeah, before I forget, my lovely sister Alice has been busy in the last few days. After purchasing a house in the Hamptons about 4 days ago, she announced yesterday that she was getting engaged which has made me very happy! She is marrying Mr Kirk Miller who is an American. On the positive side, he is very British at heart, an excellent footballer and owns a passport :P George and I agree that he is a quality guy and gets the Ryan family seal of approval (and more). When I get back to London in mid-January I plan to chill for a few days before visiting Edinburgh (to visit the various fans I have up there) and then I'm off to New York for a while. I suppose after that I should consider employment... No promises though! I hate exclamation marks! Bye!


Posted by Will Ryan under the categories China and Travel
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