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Orlando doesn't read my blog. This suits me just fine as it gives me licence to continually rip the piss out of him in front of a load of people (or maybe just my mum- I'm not really sure). He tells me he reads it, but here's the test: ORLANDO YOU LAZY, WHITE CLUTZ: MAKE 1 COMMENT ON THIS ENTRY I DAREZ YA! No comment? Didn't think so you pansy bitch. P.S. no-one tell him of this entry, else he'll be able to pretend that he has always been reading.

Anywayz, onto Vietnam. Let's start with Hanoi. The capital is full of cool streets where you can buy anything: there is a hat street, counterfeit money street, herb street and probably a green Irish hat street for all I know. Beer (Bia Hoi = fresh beer) is also good as it is brewed and then drunk on the same day- guys just sit out on the street at all times of day getting pissed which is much my style... not Orlando however who likes more colourful drinks such as Bloody Marys. Bloody idiot.

The coolest thing about Hanoi however was the Water Puppet show. What happens when you combine puppets with water I hear you ask? Well, an extravaganza that's what! On a serious note though, it was as shit as those damn Indian dancers, although this time we couldn't really escape. The worst thing was that the first scene was actually quite good with pyrotechnics and shit. I was thinking that the intro couldn't be topped... and I was right! I think the people in the audience must have thought I was a little odd because it made me so damn sleepy that my head kept drooping back before being snapped back straight when I realised suddenly that I was drifting off. Orlando didn't hesitate to sleep through 90% of the show including the little fireworks show at the end- dopey mofe. Unlike Orlando, I am unable to snap people when they know I'm snapping them cos I find it awkward, however, I would have loved to have taken a picture of the audience behind me who looked equally depressed/sleepy/too old to even know where they were. 1hour later, the audience were released back to the streets in an Orlando-like trance. I like this paragraph- it's littered with Orlando insults but also littered with the word 'cool'. Is cool even cool anymore?

Sapa in the North was really incredible with local tribes, huge cloud-covered mountains, and an eclectic variety of meats (dogs, black cats etc). We spent one night in a local village and decided to be independent by hiring a motorcycle to make the 2hour trip. It couldn't have been less independent when a local village man had to rescue us after finding Orlando and I in a deep ditch, covered in mud, and trapped under our own motorcycle with gasoline leaking onto us. Now, you may assume that it was Lubes who got us into this polava but I'm ashamed to say it was me. The bike couldn't handle the steep ascent, and it was a mud path which was wet and had been torn to shreds by large trucks before us, and the brakes weren't too hot, and it was hard to drop gears, and bags were heavy and fat-ass Lubes was sitting on the back etc etc...

That night in the village was quite fun with Lubes exercising his usual communication prowess with the locals. It gets fucking cold at night and I really needed the toilet. The cold is just an excuse actually. The truth is that their toilet was Australian Dunny style (end of the 'garden' stylee) crossed with an Indian squatter which, combined with a rickety bamboo bridge, severe lack of lighting, killer mosquitoes (anti malarials finished), pigs, yaks and other wild creatures, made me quite frankly too scared of even attempting it. It reminds me of when I was young and had a bad dream which rendered me too scared to venture from my covers to reach the safety of my parents bedroom. Pathetic!

Vietnamese roads: Crossing a Vietnamese road is somewhat precarious. There aren't really any crossing points, even on 3 lane, dual carriageways. The technique reminds me of that old game "Froggit" on the hard setting (nb. for those who don't know/remember, Froggit involved getting your frog across a road avoiding the various cars and trucks). To survive the ordeal, you must walk in a straight line at a constant pace, and basically, the vehicles should pretty much avoid you (in theory). There are times when you find two fairly hefty trucks whizzing simultaneously past your nose and arse but it's all part of the fun.

Other shit we did includes: Buying billions of suits in Hoi An (for my exec job that I'm coming home to), wedding cake for Orlando's B'day, Booze Cruise and snorkeling in Nah Trang, Scuba Luba (Orlando is just as graceful in the underground world as he is above), Cu chi tunnels- a vast underground network of tunnels developed during the Vietnam War, accidental gay bar (didn't know 'til it was too late), War Remnants Museum which included some really disturbing images and a dead, pickled baby, beating Orlando at every game we played (including paper scissor stone which I beat him at nearly everytime- I even beat him 15metres under water), Vietnamese gyms with cats, children and everyone glued to the national geographic channel, massive monsoon rains while at a Saigon waterpark, a romantic mud bath and finally a thermal spa. Vietnam was da shit yo! Hollaaaaa!!! :)
Posted by Will Ryan under the category Travel.
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