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An Inconvenient Truth by Al Gore and co is well worthy of this years Nobel Peace Prize in my opinion. I challenge anyone to watch this documentary and not make serious changes to their lifestyle as it is a truly striking message and is something that mankind can ignore only at its peril. Although he may take the most extreme of views (in terms of future estimates and one-sided debating), the documentary and the lectures that it was based on have been instrumental in bringing global warming to center stage. In any case, for a problem as large as this, it is far better to over-exadurate the situation than to ignore it as world governments like America, China and India continue to do.
Posted by Will Ryan under the category General.
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Hookers

Whores aren't really my bag. At first, I thought they were just nice girls who liked a good game of pool. Naive? Probably. Something became a bit fishy when I realised that these girls were far too good at pool (better than Orlando even, although my clumsy 10 stone dog is better than Orlando so that isn't really an informative comparison but anywayz). There is always one girl that gets attached in the vain hope of some cash dollar (I'd like to think it will be atleast 40 years before I start paying for sex! haha). I won't tell you about the Pnomn Penh lady of the night, however, the Sinhoukville girl was funny yet tragic.

It was a real story of romance: we met at the beach bar, drunk a bucket of booze, had a little dance then went skinny dipping (with about 30 other people btw). The evening turned somewhat sour when she started crying, claiming that her life was so miserable (being a whore and all). That led me to a minor depression. I reckon I could get that commissioned for a TV movie or something. I need to work on the ending. I even have an idea for the main lady... can anyone guess? yyyyyyam gnon. While I think of it, add 'skinny dipping' to my list of hated words- sounds like an aussie throwback.

Oh, while I'm writing about prostitutes, let me explain Orlando's interaction with them. The first time was in a Pnomn Penh club called "The Heart of Darkness". Orlando was pissed on Margarita's or whatever other girly drink had taken his fancy that night (he is allergic to beer as some of you may know). I wish I had a picture cos it was the funniest site ever. He had this *OLD* run down Cambodian shlag midget grinding up and down his leg like it was a poll, and Orlando was so drunk that he was just standing there like an inanimate object. In the end, I helped Orlando shake her off like she was Will Kirk(Jones)'s horny poodle. On the skinny dipping night, Orlando missed the action after passing out on the beach (whilst probably drinking a Sex on the Beach).

Octopussy

It's funny: one minute I'm watching James Bond's Octopussy in the beach town of Sinhoukville (cos it was all filmed in Rajasthan, India), and the next day I'm eating Octopus from some dodgy floating restaurant in the southern town of Kampot. What wasn't funny is that I was up all night in a mank bathroom swimming in an array of tentacles and bile (add 'bile' to my top ten list of hated words). Orlando ofcourse slept through this whole ordeal. The next morning, the local witch doctor turns up, and in my weakened state I am unable to resist him scratching tiger balm into various spots (later wounds) on my collar bone and back with a metal blade. Did this make me feel any better? Why yeees! Put that in your pipe and smoke it modern medicine. It may have simply been a distractive technique however, where the pain of the grazes made me forget about the pain in my stomach, but what the hell's wrong with that?

Other shit

Not wanting to dampen the mood too much, I won't talk too much about the attrocities that occurred in Cambodia all so recently (late 70's right up until about '96). Under Pol Pot, an estimated 3 million were killed over just a few years (a third of the population). The stories from the elder English speaking Cambodians are really heart breaking and the country is littered with hints of its violent past. The Killing Fields of Choeung Ek and the S-21 prison in Pnomn Penh are very disturbing and something I will not forget.

In the north of the country, Siem Reap was a good laugh and we visited the temples of Angkor which I would not give justice to if I tried to describe them in words. On the animal front, we have been chased by a pack of dogs, I nearly got bitten by a fat labrador, and an angry pig had a go at me when I tried to say hello to one of its piglets. We also visited the seaside town of Kep and the Bokor hill station where there is a huge abandoned hotel and a waterfall. At the waterfall, Orlando managed to slip on a rock and currently has huge scratches down his back and arms (what a plonker- I like that word). We are also finding it hard to sit down after the longest, bumpiest pick-up truck ride ever! It feels like I've been raped by an elephant. I'll leave you on that beautiful piece of imagery... Vietnam here we come. Peace.
Posted by Will Ryan under the category Travel.
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Very lazy recently with the old blog. So long in fact that I have somewhat forgotten what we did. Cochin- definitely went there. Something about tea fields in Munnar, 80s rave jackets, bathing some baby elephants or summet, trekking in a national park, night safaris, a cool steam railway, the silk flower museum (as crap as it sounds) and an Indian theme park (crapper than it sounds). I also ate a curry which made me cry a little.

We followed all this with a trip to Mysore which was very beautiful and finally Chennai (or Madras as it used to be known). If you remember anything I say in this blog, remember this: if you ever visit India, give Chennai a Miss. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It was an ugly, sweaty cess pit where we encountered a wanker of a tuk tuk man and saw a whole lot of other ugly bullshit. Although we were left with a sour taste in our mouths, I look back very fondly on India!

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Although only there for a few days, I really enjoyed KL. Really friendly people, some immense buildings and shopping centres. I also managed to combine two of my favourite things, drinking and puppies, into one simultaneous activity.
Posted by Will Ryan under the categories Travel and India
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Thanks for those that keep informing me that my blog is being spammed! For those interested in buying Viagra/Vicadin/Cialis/Xanax or are in the market for porn, then check out the comments pages. I'll fix this soon using a CAPTCHA but until then, please ignore.

I'll also be sorting out browsing by category (no point yet since there are barely any stories) as well as an RSS feed. Thrilling!
Posted by Will Ryan under the category Web Design.
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Taj Yourself

You can’t go to India without returning with the picture that has been taken a billion times, so here it is. The symmetry and scale of the thing was pretty damn amazing, but the inside was pretty shit!

Orlando and Communication

Orlando often has monologues with the Indian citizens. For example, today I witnessed a hat seller approach Orlando and say “Hat sir?”. Orlando replied with a one minute “conversation” which included that he only liked straw hats and many other English colloquialisms that went right over his head. Without Orlando even noticing, the man had fled! Not only this, but he takes joy in speaking to every single person we walk past, and when he gets bored, just fobs them off onto me. That being said, my remarkable English politeness and patience came unraveled the other day, when a nice English speaking local who had given us directions the day before reapproached us and started speaking. I interrupted him mid-sentence with my reflex reply “No Thanks”. Urg :S

Ayurvedic Massage

I’m not gonna lie, I love a good massage. Whether it is given to me by the professional thai hands of nong May or some other random woman. However, this massage was different. Firstly, it was a nude massage, which I was fine with. What I was not fine with however was the slippery table I had to lie on (the slipperiness being of unknown origin) and the wondering hands of the masseur who definitely loved me. When it was over, I showered for about an hour but could not remove the sin. Sometimes I cry before I go to sleep and at other times, I have vivid nightmares (probably caused by my anti-malarial medicine but hey!). Orlando, the king of all things slippery, loved it I reckon although he refuses to talk about it. Haha. Only kidding.

Football (Indian Style) and Other Things I Hate

I don’t expect much from a football pitch. After years of playing around Battersea and Wandsworth where left wings were often out of use due to fallen trees/broken bottles/gangs of angry kids on the sideline etc, I have pretty low standards. When Lubes and I came across a group of kids playing in a rural village in Kerala, we thought we’d teach them a lesson. This was the worst surface I have ever played on. I think it was a rice field, but in any case, it was waterlogged, amazingly muddy, very long grass in patches, dangerously rocky in parts, and was surrounded by concrete lined, sharp bottomed shallow waters. I have played beach football in Rio and I found this a bit painful (sensitive feet) but this was a whole new level.

Our victory came at a cost: I am now limping quite heavily from a semi-sprained right ankle. I also slipped quite heavily, my toes being caught on some rice grass before forcing them under my own foot. That has led to a loss of a toe nail, and sprained toe ligaments (I think, I’m no doctor). Not only this, but (if squeamish, don’t read on…) a mosquito bite which was already pretty gruesome has become badly infected and is now about the size of a popodom. This is trying to heal itself, but every time I walk, the cut is stretched and opens again. I have no plasters either (bloody mum) so the cut sticks to my socks revealing a fresh wound every time, which at times is a white colour (Ellie- save me). Orlando has to now cope with my non-stop whining and exaggerated limping.

While I’m ranting, I might as well talk about other things I hate. Mosquitos: me being all nature and that, I wouldn’t hurt a fly, but a mosquito is a different story. I hate them and they hate me. At times, I am tempted to screw the computer shit, and devote my life to destroying the mosquito vermin. I worked out that I could probably kill about half a million in my life time, unless I developed some sort of chemical weapon… mmmm…..

Other things I hate include spray on plasters (worst invention ever- they only made my cut worse) and the words “galore”, “lush”, “puss” and “kookie” (ala Phoebe from Friends).

Houseboat

Our trip so far hasn’t been particularly lavish, so we decided to splash out. Our houseboat cost us £20 per day and was worth every penny. It included a personal chef, a captain and a Benson (butler/general skivvy to my non-London peeps). It was a double decker boat, one floor for the crew, the other for the royalty i.e. Lubes and I. We cruised the Keralan backwaters and drank beer and chai while our chef prepared various snacks and meals. I don’t know why, but to have a number of servants felt so right! I don’t know how I’ve survived my life so far without!? At night, we joined the locals in a village festival where we danced to some hectic Indian hits under severe monsoon rains! Orlando nearly electrocuted himself a number of times after boogying into the precariously wet lighting systems – he was warned twice, but as I have learnt over the last month, Orlando is a bit of a clutz. I have also had to enroll him in etiquette school (taught by yours truly), after a number of embarrassing moments at the dinner table. I believe he resents me for it, but it makes me laugh so I shall continue.

Misc

Other than that, we have spent loads of times on beaches in Goa and the southern tip of India. We rented an automobile which was pretty pimp (kinda like my old 205 but with illegal levels of tinting). We went to a traditional Indian Kathakali dance show where they acted out an assault, a confession and a killing over the space of nearly 2hours. I might sound like a bit of a swine for shitting on culture like I’m about to but: it was fucking boring as hell. We also watched Rush Hour 3 after we felt withdrawal symptoms from western culture; it was meh (meh means meehhh). Namaste.
Posted by Will Ryan under the categories Travel and India
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