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Our voyage continues into the main body of China. We started in Xi'an where we saw the impressive Terracotta Warriors. About two thousand years ago, over 8000 stone soldiers were buried in battle formation to help Emperor Qin Shi Huangdi rule an empire in his afterlife (baloney if you ask me). For some reason, this was forgotten about(!), then rediscovered by a farmer about 20 years ago whilst digging a well. They are now slowly being excavated, each solider individually sculpted to look different. Very cool. That's enough history for now.

On our exit from Xi'an we couldn't get the normal 'white tourist' class, so had to settle in the 'hard seat' section for the 24hr journey. The first thing we see is some Chinese woman using the carriage sink to chop fruit and veg and a fat, topless chinaman lying across 4 seats snoring. There were also hundreds of other Chinese doing equally inappropriate shit. Sensing that this class wasn't for us, we went searching for an upgrade. We gambled the wrong direction which meant a 2km round trip through the pandemonium with Orlando's 3 tonne bag. I could sense people thinking "who are these royal-looking cunts" especially after waking up a number of people for the second time by slapping them in the face with my bag. On the journey, we also met a computer science-looking American guy who was obviously in China for the easy pootang. He produced my favourite quote of the trip: "Being in the East and white is what I imagine it to be like being a hot blond in the west". Despite Orlando and I agreeing, we are an exception to this rule, accumulating a big fat zero between us :(
Went to a beautiful town called Fenghuang which was only marred by an army of Chinese tourists in boats wearing really bright orange life jackets. 30 adults, 1metre deep water- all non swimmers? You avin a laff!? Went on a bike ride to discover rural China only to find a coal mine and a power station. To pass the time on that little excursion I enjoyed pelting Orlando with various fruits and berries that were conveniently growing by the road side. Also spent many hours working out how to escape the town using google translator as my proxy. The Chinese-English translations were constantly littered with the word "pakistan" which confused the hell out of me; the Chinese recipients of my English messages often gave me funny looks or burst out into hysterics.


In Yangshuo, we learnt how to cook some stuff and hired an Electric motorbike to visit various things. I also discovered that if Orlando is irritating me, I can deter him by wearing my nut necklace or spraying him with my milk/beer-filled water gun. Brilliant. Another piece of Orlando news: yesterday, he managed to confuse a waitress to the point where she brought him three meals. During the meal, there was a large piece of crab meat that had somehow managed to find itself nestled above his eye brow. Extraordinary.


Have been really missing my Premiership football lately as well as other western media. This crisis has been solved over the last 10 days after visiting Macau and Hong Kong (currently watching Man Utd Blackburn). The games are on at really inconvenient times: last night, was up till 4am watching Liverpool Fulham which killed this morning. Champions League is even worse. Onwards. Macau is really sick. Portuguese colonial architecture alongside the Las Vegas of the East. Construction is on an unprecedented scale and will rival Vegas within a few years. Just like Vegas, you get free drinks when you're gambling which always reminds me of Bouce. Two years ago, we found ourselves in Vegas where free drinks only come when you're on the tables (where you blow a minimum of a fiver a minute). When Bouce joined a table and got offered a free drink he replied "I'll have two rum and cokes, and Will- what are you having?". Classic.



Hong Kong has been really fun as well but everything is way over our budget so we've pretty much adopted a look and don't touch policy. This is fine cos the landscape and skyscrapers are very impressive. We're staying in a place called Chung King mansions which is a massive 16-story block, packed to the rafters with Africans, Pakistanis and Indians- it's very similar to New Jack City. It's dirty, stinks of curry and easy to get a sexy massage and we're breaking the bank to even stay there!

Oh yeah, before I forget, my lovely sister Alice has been busy in the last few days. After purchasing a house in the Hamptons about 4 days ago, she announced yesterday that she was getting engaged which has made me very happy! She is marrying Mr Kirk Miller who is an American. On the positive side, he is very British at heart, an excellent footballer and owns a passport :P George and I agree that he is a quality guy and gets the Ryan family seal of approval (and more). When I get back to London in mid-January I plan to chill for a few days before visiting Edinburgh (to visit the various fans I have up there) and then I'm off to New York for a while. I suppose after that I should consider employment... No promises though! I hate exclamation marks! Bye!


Posted by Will Ryan under the categories China and Travel
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Our adventures continue in China and started on somewhat of a low point. I saw Luba take our Lonely Planet to the bathroom obviously for some toilet reading. However, I didn't understand the concept of toilet reading when all you have available is a squatter (think hole in the floor) but I let it fly. Two minutes later I hear commotion in the bathroom, followed by Lubes returning from the loo with a guilty look on his face. Without being too crude, cap'n clutz had managed to drop our vital guide (in a land where few speak English) into his own faeces (crap). Normally, this would be fine cos we'd just buy another one, except Lonely Planets aren't sold in China. In fact, they are often confiscated at the border since it recognizes Taiwan as an independent country (a major faux pas). Therefore, Rubes spent the next hour hacking at the book with some pocket scissors removing the offending pages, meanwhile I no longer touch the book without gloves on and the China history section is a no go.

The second low point was our first meal. English menus are usually unavailable so you just point and hope for the best. When we did our best charades impression to work out what we'd just eaten, it turned out to be pigs tail (very chewy, curly, cavity of fat running down the middle- it's obvious in hindsight). mmmm. The toilets in that restaurant also made me gag- to be honest, most the toilets in China have made me gag (worse than India!). One toilet which i recently encountered on a backroad in the badlands of Tibet was fully open plan with three squatters. As I entered, I nearly chundered, the smell was even having an effect on my eye sight, but when I saw a middle aged Chinese man taking a full frontal shit, that was my signal to leave. Bring on Japanese toilets I say- I heard they ain't bad. I realise that the opening to this post has mostly concerned shit, so I'll try to up the brow...


One thing you notice quite quickly in China is the tight grip held by the government on the people. From day one, I was shocked by the blatant propaganda spewing from the television channels (the state ones ironically known as CCTV1, 2, 3 etc). Lines emanating from box are unrelentless and are of the tone: "China has made great improvements over the last 5 years in the areas of Science and Technology all thanks to the Communist party based on Marxism with Chinese characteristics"- this mindless babble bombards you constantly. We have recently made the discovery that "Chinese characteristics" roughly translates to capitalism but anyway. The internet is censored, albeit poorly (see my other post) and some areas of the country have a severe lack of freedom- Tibet being the worst. The people are unable to talk negatively about the government as they believe informants are on every corner. They are not able to talk about the Dalai Lama (the spiritual leader of the Tibetan people); a prominent monastery is currently closed after the current Dalai Lama met with George Bush and travel throughout the region is highly restrictive to say the least. Those who break the law in these respects are sent to jail. One good thing is that the Tibetans are highly aware of the oppression they are under (grumblings are quite apparent), whereas it seems that many of those in the rest of China have never known any different therefore do not question it. Disappointingly, the Tibetans don't seem at boiling point (Burma-style), as if they have rolled over to the Chinese government after so many years of mal-treatment.

Forgetting the negatives... TIBET! Wow. I love it. The people here are really, really, really nice. For example, I just got back from a gym which had an attached Dojo of sorts. I was just doing my own thing before some karate-looking people came up to me and asked me if I wanted to try Taikwando. I was like sure, so they kitted me up with boxing gloves, shin pads, a sword etc. After embarrassing myself in front of about 15 people (my flexibility is atrocious as already proven when I tried Yoga in India), they invited me to their dinner table, plastered me with beer and then challenged me to a game of Counter Strike 3. Tibetans are very welcoming, not driven by money and will go out of their way to help you which is really refreshing.

Tibet's landscape is really breathtaking with vast mountain ranges enclosing you from all sides. Huge monasteries cast a shadow over every city and traditional cultures are something that the Tibetans are not going to lose any time soon e.g. month long pilgrimages over hundreds of miles where the partakers must crawl. The highlight of this region was definitely our 5 day trip to Mt Everest (locally called Mt Qomolangma) base camp. Words can't describe how it feels to be so close to one of the natural wonders of the world. A video might be more appropriate...


The worst thing about the images, is that it makes Everest look quite small... when you're next to it, it's fucking gargantuan! Altitude was a major problem aswell cos at 5300metres your body ain't happy- the brain starts to swell which can give you a mecca headache and nausea. This meant oxygen canisters and various medication were a must but I'm happy to report that Orlando, although going a new shade of white, survived the trek. We also met the oldest man to ever have climbed Everest (69) who was just about to try again at the age of 75... don't want to sound morbid but I reckon body bags should be at the ready. Qomolangma dudes!
Posted by Will Ryan under the categories Travel and China
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My blog now has RSS! Woopdedoo. Most my friends won't have a clue what RSS is (as they're pretty much all stupid). For those that haven't heard of it and want to know more, try google as I think there I a thing or two about it there.

The feed is somewhat basic and is missing some useful information. I will add this at a later date.
Posted by Will Ryan under the category Computing.
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Orlando doesn't read my blog. This suits me just fine as it gives me licence to continually rip the piss out of him in front of a load of people (or maybe just my mum- I'm not really sure). He tells me he reads it, but here's the test: ORLANDO YOU LAZY, WHITE CLUTZ: MAKE 1 COMMENT ON THIS ENTRY I DAREZ YA! No comment? Didn't think so you pansy bitch. P.S. no-one tell him of this entry, else he'll be able to pretend that he has always been reading.

Anywayz, onto Vietnam. Let's start with Hanoi. The capital is full of cool streets where you can buy anything: there is a hat street, counterfeit money street, herb street and probably a green Irish hat street for all I know. Beer (Bia Hoi = fresh beer) is also good as it is brewed and then drunk on the same day- guys just sit out on the street at all times of day getting pissed which is much my style... not Orlando however who likes more colourful drinks such as Bloody Marys. Bloody idiot.

The coolest thing about Hanoi however was the Water Puppet show. What happens when you combine puppets with water I hear you ask? Well, an extravaganza that's what! On a serious note though, it was as shit as those damn Indian dancers, although this time we couldn't really escape. The worst thing was that the first scene was actually quite good with pyrotechnics and shit. I was thinking that the intro couldn't be topped... and I was right! I think the people in the audience must have thought I was a little odd because it made me so damn sleepy that my head kept drooping back before being snapped back straight when I realised suddenly that I was drifting off. Orlando didn't hesitate to sleep through 90% of the show including the little fireworks show at the end- dopey mofe. Unlike Orlando, I am unable to snap people when they know I'm snapping them cos I find it awkward, however, I would have loved to have taken a picture of the audience behind me who looked equally depressed/sleepy/too old to even know where they were. 1hour later, the audience were released back to the streets in an Orlando-like trance. I like this paragraph- it's littered with Orlando insults but also littered with the word 'cool'. Is cool even cool anymore?

Sapa in the North was really incredible with local tribes, huge cloud-covered mountains, and an eclectic variety of meats (dogs, black cats etc). We spent one night in a local village and decided to be independent by hiring a motorcycle to make the 2hour trip. It couldn't have been less independent when a local village man had to rescue us after finding Orlando and I in a deep ditch, covered in mud, and trapped under our own motorcycle with gasoline leaking onto us. Now, you may assume that it was Lubes who got us into this polava but I'm ashamed to say it was me. The bike couldn't handle the steep ascent, and it was a mud path which was wet and had been torn to shreds by large trucks before us, and the brakes weren't too hot, and it was hard to drop gears, and bags were heavy and fat-ass Lubes was sitting on the back etc etc...

That night in the village was quite fun with Lubes exercising his usual communication prowess with the locals. It gets fucking cold at night and I really needed the toilet. The cold is just an excuse actually. The truth is that their toilet was Australian Dunny style (end of the 'garden' stylee) crossed with an Indian squatter which, combined with a rickety bamboo bridge, severe lack of lighting, killer mosquitoes (anti malarials finished), pigs, yaks and other wild creatures, made me quite frankly too scared of even attempting it. It reminds me of when I was young and had a bad dream which rendered me too scared to venture from my covers to reach the safety of my parents bedroom. Pathetic!

Vietnamese roads: Crossing a Vietnamese road is somewhat precarious. There aren't really any crossing points, even on 3 lane, dual carriageways. The technique reminds me of that old game "Froggit" on the hard setting (nb. for those who don't know/remember, Froggit involved getting your frog across a road avoiding the various cars and trucks). To survive the ordeal, you must walk in a straight line at a constant pace, and basically, the vehicles should pretty much avoid you (in theory). There are times when you find two fairly hefty trucks whizzing simultaneously past your nose and arse but it's all part of the fun.

Other shit we did includes: Buying billions of suits in Hoi An (for my exec job that I'm coming home to), wedding cake for Orlando's B'day, Booze Cruise and snorkeling in Nah Trang, Scuba Luba (Orlando is just as graceful in the underground world as he is above), Cu chi tunnels- a vast underground network of tunnels developed during the Vietnam War, accidental gay bar (didn't know 'til it was too late), War Remnants Museum which included some really disturbing images and a dead, pickled baby, beating Orlando at every game we played (including paper scissor stone which I beat him at nearly everytime- I even beat him 15metres under water), Vietnamese gyms with cats, children and everyone glued to the national geographic channel, massive monsoon rains while at a Saigon waterpark, a romantic mud bath and finally a thermal spa. Vietnam was da shit yo! Hollaaaaa!!! :)
Posted by Will Ryan under the category Travel.
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Ofcourse, the first thing you (or maybe just I) do when you find an internet cafe in China is to search for "Tiananmen Square".

Originally, all i got was a load of gobbledegook Chinese characters, which I thought might be some sort of crazy restriction message from the Chinese government. After translating it, I saw that this was just the standard 404 error: not found or currently unavailable. This made me think it was some kind of DNS filtering (which would have been my first guess anyway as it seems most simple to implement). However, on trying some other sites, I realised that the page would sometimes flash up before disappearing with that same error message. The partially downloaded page could be reached through the cache so I thought that something must be interrupting the connection at the packet level.

After a bit of research (very hard to research about the Chinese firewall from behind the Chinese firewall) I found out that this is exactly what does happen. Reset packets are sent to both client and server which terminates the page download [see Ignoring the 'Great Firewall of China']. Some sites are banned outright at the DNS stage but otherwise it is a fairly forceful and primitive way of achieving internet censorship (hopefully the Chinese government doesn't read my blog: lonely planet tells me that 27 executions occur every day (including us foreigners!)). I suppose I can't suggest a better method, since intelligent search of 1.3 billion people's traffic without introducing horrid latency would require a google-scale amount of processing power! That being said, the Great Firewall of China is more penetrable than you'd imagine, especially at busy times of the day (I'd imagine) ;) .

I would be (temporarily) fine without wikipedia and other anti-Chinese sites, but when they outright ban the bbc site and its subsidiaries (including BBC football), they must be ‘avin a laff!?! Therefore, I shall be proxying most my internet content while I'm in China, and if the authorities sniff anything, hopefully I'll be out the cafe by the time they arrive (the internet cafe man being hung instead eeek ).

A posting about my time in Vietnam coming soon... Zaijian!
Posted by Will Ryan under the categories China and Travel and Computing
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