India Blog

Very lazy recently with the old blog. So long in fact that I have somewhat forgotten what we did. Cochin- definitely went there. Something about tea fields in Munnar, 80s rave jackets, bathing some baby elephants or summet, trekking in a national park, night safaris, a cool steam railway, the silk flower museum (as crap as it sounds) and an Indian theme park (crapper than it sounds). I also ate a curry which made me cry a little.

We followed all this with a trip to Mysore which was very beautiful and finally Chennai (or Madras as it used to be known). If you remember anything I say in this blog, remember this: if you ever visit India, give Chennai a Miss. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It was an ugly, sweaty cess pit where we encountered a wanker of a tuk tuk man and saw a whole lot of other ugly bullshit. Although we were left with a sour taste in our mouths, I look back very fondly on India!

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Although only there for a few days, I really enjoyed KL. Really friendly people, some immense buildings and shopping centres. I also managed to combine two of my favourite things, drinking and puppies, into one simultaneous activity.
Posted by Will Ryan under the categories Travel and India
No Comments

Taj Yourself

You can’t go to India without returning with the picture that has been taken a billion times, so here it is. The symmetry and scale of the thing was pretty damn amazing, but the inside was pretty shit!

Orlando and Communication

Orlando often has monologues with the Indian citizens. For example, today I witnessed a hat seller approach Orlando and say “Hat sir?”. Orlando replied with a one minute “conversation” which included that he only liked straw hats and many other English colloquialisms that went right over his head. Without Orlando even noticing, the man had fled! Not only this, but he takes joy in speaking to every single person we walk past, and when he gets bored, just fobs them off onto me. That being said, my remarkable English politeness and patience came unraveled the other day, when a nice English speaking local who had given us directions the day before reapproached us and started speaking. I interrupted him mid-sentence with my reflex reply “No Thanks”. Urg :S

Ayurvedic Massage

I’m not gonna lie, I love a good massage. Whether it is given to me by the professional thai hands of nong May or some other random woman. However, this massage was different. Firstly, it was a nude massage, which I was fine with. What I was not fine with however was the slippery table I had to lie on (the slipperiness being of unknown origin) and the wondering hands of the masseur who definitely loved me. When it was over, I showered for about an hour but could not remove the sin. Sometimes I cry before I go to sleep and at other times, I have vivid nightmares (probably caused by my anti-malarial medicine but hey!). Orlando, the king of all things slippery, loved it I reckon although he refuses to talk about it. Haha. Only kidding.

Football (Indian Style) and Other Things I Hate

I don’t expect much from a football pitch. After years of playing around Battersea and Wandsworth where left wings were often out of use due to fallen trees/broken bottles/gangs of angry kids on the sideline etc, I have pretty low standards. When Lubes and I came across a group of kids playing in a rural village in Kerala, we thought we’d teach them a lesson. This was the worst surface I have ever played on. I think it was a rice field, but in any case, it was waterlogged, amazingly muddy, very long grass in patches, dangerously rocky in parts, and was surrounded by concrete lined, sharp bottomed shallow waters. I have played beach football in Rio and I found this a bit painful (sensitive feet) but this was a whole new level.

Our victory came at a cost: I am now limping quite heavily from a semi-sprained right ankle. I also slipped quite heavily, my toes being caught on some rice grass before forcing them under my own foot. That has led to a loss of a toe nail, and sprained toe ligaments (I think, I’m no doctor). Not only this, but (if squeamish, don’t read on…) a mosquito bite which was already pretty gruesome has become badly infected and is now about the size of a popodom. This is trying to heal itself, but every time I walk, the cut is stretched and opens again. I have no plasters either (bloody mum) so the cut sticks to my socks revealing a fresh wound every time, which at times is a white colour (Ellie- save me). Orlando has to now cope with my non-stop whining and exaggerated limping.

While I’m ranting, I might as well talk about other things I hate. Mosquitos: me being all nature and that, I wouldn’t hurt a fly, but a mosquito is a different story. I hate them and they hate me. At times, I am tempted to screw the computer shit, and devote my life to destroying the mosquito vermin. I worked out that I could probably kill about half a million in my life time, unless I developed some sort of chemical weapon… mmmm…..

Other things I hate include spray on plasters (worst invention ever- they only made my cut worse) and the words “galore”, “lush”, “puss” and “kookie” (ala Phoebe from Friends).

Houseboat

Our trip so far hasn’t been particularly lavish, so we decided to splash out. Our houseboat cost us £20 per day and was worth every penny. It included a personal chef, a captain and a Benson (butler/general skivvy to my non-London peeps). It was a double decker boat, one floor for the crew, the other for the royalty i.e. Lubes and I. We cruised the Keralan backwaters and drank beer and chai while our chef prepared various snacks and meals. I don’t know why, but to have a number of servants felt so right! I don’t know how I’ve survived my life so far without!? At night, we joined the locals in a village festival where we danced to some hectic Indian hits under severe monsoon rains! Orlando nearly electrocuted himself a number of times after boogying into the precariously wet lighting systems – he was warned twice, but as I have learnt over the last month, Orlando is a bit of a clutz. I have also had to enroll him in etiquette school (taught by yours truly), after a number of embarrassing moments at the dinner table. I believe he resents me for it, but it makes me laugh so I shall continue.

Misc

Other than that, we have spent loads of times on beaches in Goa and the southern tip of India. We rented an automobile which was pretty pimp (kinda like my old 205 but with illegal levels of tinting). We went to a traditional Indian Kathakali dance show where they acted out an assault, a confession and a killing over the space of nearly 2hours. I might sound like a bit of a swine for shitting on culture like I’m about to but: it was fucking boring as hell. We also watched Rush Hour 3 after we felt withdrawal symptoms from western culture; it was meh (meh means meehhh). Namaste.
Posted by Will Ryan under the categories Travel and India
3 Comments

Another epic adventure begins. My final one in fact before I become a respected member of society! Five and a half months: India, KL, Cambodia, Vietnam, China, Japan, Australia and Bangkok. By my side is that friendly scamp who goes by the name of Orlando/Luba/Orluba/Lubie/Lubatron/Lubes. Here goes…

India – Mumbai (Bombay), Udaipur, Jaisalmer and Jaipur

India is instantly hectic. Very humid, horrific driving, horns everywhere, very persistent beggars/children/street sellers/missionaries/rickshaw drivers screaming “hello, how are you?, where you from?”. The village children are very ruthless and combine the word hello with a number of other nouns e.g. “hellobottle?”, “hellochocololate?”, “helloshampoo?”. They couple this with a sweet face and hands out. Luckily I am pretty heartless so can wave them off pretty easy but I think Lubes struggles.

I have never been to such a pungent place with smells good and bad greeting you at every turn. When a country has over 1 billion people and a birth rate that is still so shockingly high it is understandable that it feels like the biggest rat-race on earth with everyone scrambling for air!

Rainy season in India. First purchase, an umbrella. My umbrella is the shittiest, girliest piece of crap on Earth and is not monsoon-proof. I regretted the hastiness of the purchase but it was so cheap compared to other shops that I just gave him the money and walked off without really checking it. I think a small child would find it laughable. Oh well.

Being university graduates, one from a highly respected Scottish institution, the other from a town where my train often had to stop when bricks were hurled at the train (NEWCASTLE), we’re all up for culture and that. Museum this, fort that, boat here, climb this, temple there, read that, learn this. You get the idea. I’m not gonna ever write any specifics about all the things we see because I don’t want to bore you any more than I already am. But just to let you know, we are lapping up the culture like no mans business :P

Transport

Imagine poorly treated poultry being transported in tiny cages across Europe and you get an idea of Indian bus travel (that was perhaps a little exaggerated). The roads are damn bumpy, the bus man has a pimp-my-ride super horn, and you sleep on bunks that are too short to lie straight. The sleeper bit has a certain fish tank claustrophobic feel to it, and to maintain a good temperature without getting wet, you need to continually alter the window’s openness. The mattresses haven’t been changed since the bus was made and I try not to imagine how my particular mattress became so damp. Trains on the other hand are very cool. You get to meet loads of other travelers and loads of Indians who instantly take you under their wing, feeding you all sorts of stuff and chatting about old British rule.

When Animals Turn Bad

I love animals and animals love me. But Orlando has a mortal enemy from every corner of the animal kingdom. Take an innocent cow for example. Just minding its business down a tight alleyway in Jaisalmer when the intrepid explorer (Orlando) creeps up behind it and tries stroking it. The cow/bull definitely was not a fan of this petting and quickly gave Orlando two blows to the stomach with its blunted horns. I watched this from afar but is it wrong that I was just laughing my head off as opposed to leaping to the rescue? Case number 2: the monkeys at the Amber fort in Jaipur. We’re exploring a MASSIVE fort (proper tomb raider shit) that overlooks a lake and town below. We find a platform at the back of the fort where we find a load of monkeys in a tree. Orlando starts recording their antics, all the while I notice a particularly big monkey has ascended onto our level. What proceeded to happen can only be summed up by the following blair witch style video.



Out of shot, I use my spidermanesque ability to avert danger whilst Orlando was borderline considering hurling my new camera at the angry monkey. I think Orlando has bad karma after suggesting just before shooting the film that we should throw some stones to “liven them up”. I’ll keep you updated on what happens when Luba gets introduced to an elephant, tiger and Panda when we reach China. Something crazy is bound to happen.

Bollywood

You can’t walk 2 minutes down the streets of Colaba, Mumbai without being offered a role in a bollywood film. Unfortunately, they were shooting a European night club scene and wanted people to dance for ten hours in the background. Despite our Kevin Bacon inspired moves and the amazing acting skills we acquired at Elliott, we couldn’t handle that so instead decided to see a film at a cool retro theatre in Jaipur. The queue was amazingly long and people were getting really angry which culminated in a bum fight. Actually, it was more of a bum beating as the angry mob turned ugly on a drunk old tramp who tried to push to the front. The cinema is the most famous in Rajasthan with an art deco theme. We watched a film called “Chake dee” which was (to our disappointment) the first film in years which had no singing or dancing! I sensed the crowd weren’t feeling it and after 2.5hrs, lubes and I weren’t either especially when you consider the theme of the film: the Indian women’s hockey team. I can only think of one man that might like that (Fergus Dunn).

Udaipur and Jaisalmer

Amazing fort cities built on hills with all the buildings painted a certain colour. Udaipur was the places where James Bond’s Octopussy was shot, and I can remember clearly 007 taking out a number of Turbanators. Jaisalmer was also beautiful with thin alleys and a very Moroccan vibe to it. Many of the hotels have a medina design and great views on to the desert. From there, we spent two nights and three days on a camel safari. Riding a camel for 6hrs a day is actually quite painful, and my ass is still a bit bruised now. The camels are very nonchalant. They just chew on dry feed and do their job. I thought I had built a good relationship up with mine, as he reluctantly began to allow me to stroke him. The coolest camel was called Jonny Walker and our guide claimed he was the fastest camel in Rajasthan after winning a number of Camel derbies. At night, we slept on sand dunes under the stars which was amazing- I have never seen such a detailed sky before and I impressed some English rahs with my physics banter. I am so cool.

Gems and the Indian Mafia

To cut a long story short, we have come to realize that it is quite rare when an Indian just wants to chill out and be your friend. We meet some blokes who seem pretty minted, and want to take us to the coolest (and only) night club in Jaipur. The place is like an Ibiza superclub with massive capacity. They take us to this private room where we can order any drinks/ food we like (all paid for) whilst we watch people down on the dance floor. Next day, they want to show us around the city, buy us breakfast etc until we eventually end up in a bloody gem shop owned by their uncle who wants us to transport some back to England for him. I lost my patience very quickly (after reading about these scams in the bible) but the situation was a bit hairy so we remained somewhat polite and managed to escape.
Posted by Will Ryan under the categories India and Travel
4 Comments