After many a happy month writing in my blog, I have returned to England and realised that I am a lazy bastard. I love writing about my travels, but I find it painfully difficult writing about my daily life back in mundane London.

My writings shall return one day. I have spent a great deal of time in North America, South America, Europe, Asia and of course Australia but something is missing from that list and I'm not talking about Antarctica! This will be my next port of call (Africa for those who didn't get it!), but I'm afraid that may have to wait a few years. Until then I'll leave an archive of my blog here, if only for myself, so that when I'm stuck at my desk, staring at seemingly endless code, I may be able to relive some of the amazing things that I experienced in the last 6 months. Until then, I may have to be put on suicide watch, but apart from that, I'll most probably survive!

Will
Posted by Will Ryan under the category General.
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Depressing. The final post of my travels. Here goes...

We decided quite early on that the only way to travel Australia was by automobile. Couldn’t afford a camper van so instead bought an Australian love wagon known locally as the Holden Commodore. It was a massive V6, 3.8 litre beast and filled with all manner of goodies like a tent, boogie boards, gas cooker, fishing rod, cups, cutlery etc. Since one nights accommodation in Australia worked out about the same price as ten nights in Vietnam, we decided that camping was the only way to go.

Orlando and I aren’t really outdoorsy types. We’re city people and leaving us in the wild is basically a death sentence. This was proven on our first few nights camping when we ventured in to the depths of north east Australia to a place called Cape Tribulation. We arrived after dark and after 20 minutes of struggling to put up the tent, we realised that we were way out of our depth. Luckily, some rather efficient Germans came to our rescue and put it up for us before leaving us to our thing. We were pretty hungry, and I just about managed to get the gas cooker working. We cooked some eggs for about 15 seconds before the flame went out. The next ten minutes were spent trying to relight it. The last thing I remember is Orlando saying “do you smell gas?” before pressing the spark and being engulfed in a massive fireball in the middle of a rainforest. I lost almost all the hair on my right leg in that incident, and my eyelashes still feel a little chargrilled. Orlando escaped unscathed thank the lord. The Germans, who already thought we were uber plebs, must have thought we were complete chumps after hearing the hysterical screams.

Since then, I have had a real phobia of that bastard gas cooker. We also nearly starved on that night because we had loads of raw food and nothing to cook it on. Orlando and I ate the semi-raw eggs that we had kinda-cooked but we were still damn hungry. Orlando reached a new low when he invented a sandwich that I probably wouldn’t eat if I were about to die. Take some bread, add some tomatoes. Finish with tomato ketchup. Bon apetite! That night, I went hungry.

Onwards. The Australian portion of our journey is also where we have become the most shcummy. We have lived extremely rough and scraped the barrel in every respect. After realising that putting up the tent every night was fucking boring, we discovered that sleeping in the car was surprisingly comfortable! We simply put the driving seat and passenger seat fully back, slapped on some insect repellent, lowered the windows and just went to sleep in various car parks, national parks and lay-bys across the country. We liked to describe it as business class. This was quite fine at the start, but after a week or two, the car began to reek. The main reason for the stonk was that the meat that was kept in the cooler had sunk into the ice, and the ice melted. The ham juice soaked into the seats one time after turning a corner too quick and the cooler falling over. We were also warned by numerous authorities and woken at various points during the night by the po po who told us that we weren’t allowed to sleep in a vehicle and got us to move on. Whenever we found ourselves in the sea, we’d often look around and if the coast was clear, rub ourselves down in the largest au naturale bath there is. The best way to describe Orlando and I’s new smell was sweaty meat and may have contributed to our continuing lack of sexy time.

Australian animals are a good laugh. During our trip we avoided running over the stupid roos who jump out of everywhere. I didn’t (couldn’t) however avoid running over a number of 10 foot snakes who were unavoidable after stretching across two lanes of country road. The first time I ran over one it was a bit of a shock and I may or may not have screamed. We reversed back cos Orlando accused me of seeing things, and there it was- the snake just limped back into the bushes and that was that. My favourite animal by far though is the Koala. Did you know that the reason they are so lethargic is because they eat Eucalyptus which is poisonous, so all their energy is spent digesting their food giving them a stoned/sleepy appearance!? My blog is not only amazingly entertaining, but packed with fun facts! They are very soft, cuddly and pretty stupid but all the same, have become my new favourite animal (after Douglas of course).

We’ve done shit load of other stuff. Sailing in the Whitsundays and of course the epic Fraser Island 4-wheel drive camping trip (shout out to team rubbish woooo!). I’ve also had to put up with 3500km of Orlando singing along to almost every song- you’d think that not knowing the lyrics or the tune would be enough to stop him, but instead he just groans along. We went to Nimbin; a hippy town where you can buy all manners of drugs. We bought some hash cookies before going to see that new Disney film Enchanted as we thought it might be quite funny if we were high. Turns out, we got sold duds and had to sit through 2hours of absolute pappety pap. We also saw the Golden Compass which I liked and made me think that if Orlando had a daemon it would most definitely be a koala. We also went to Ramsey Street, Steve Irwin’s zoo, got merked by a number of waves along the coast, saw a turtle giving birth, went to the Bundy rum factory, Blue Mountains in the fog, New Years in Sydney and got hammered in every town along the way.

I must give a big shout out to the various people we have crashed with on the Australia stretch. Reubs, Tim and Dave in Sydney- you guys RULE! The Harrisson family in Melboure, and also Kristen, Charlotte and Chris Shirbin who looked after us good innit. And finally, Theo and co for welcoming us at Christmas. I’d also like to thank the youth hostels of Australia after scamming as much free shit out of you without parting with a single dollar. BAM! I leave you with the following message: Super walls are not cool. Neither are entourages, vampire slayers, zombies, ninjas, pirates and werewolves. Those who pollute their profile with so many apps that my computer starts to cry need to join the idiots on MySpace. It is also not acceptable to access facebook on your mobile. Amen.

EMPLOY ME!!!!


Posted by Will Ryan under the category Travel.
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Konichiwa motherfuckers! Japan was next on the itinerary and it was refreshing to be somewhere so uniquely different from the rest of Asia. Autumn in Japan is the best time to visit when the trees go all manners of yellow, orange and red. The people are lovely, welcoming and incredibly polite. At first I struggled with the constant bowing, and I instinctively raised my hands to my chest and bowed "Thai-style". Once I perfected the legs together, arms by my side bowing, I found myself doing it constantly, often whilst walking backwards. This custom was hard to escape as I found myself subconsciously doing it even weeks after I’d left.

We arrived in Shiminoseki, Japan by (freight) boat. It was a long 36 hours of sickening sea on a frigate which could have taken 500 people yet only had about 20. This meant that the cinema, restaurant, karaoke room, gym, jacuzzi, ping-pong room, tv room etc were ours for the taking. Met a Swiss builder who quite quickly became a stalking psycho (shit I hope he doesn’t read this- he’ll kill me- literally) and finally met my ping pong nemesis (a geriatric, Japanese table tennis teacher), but I reckon he only beat me cos the bats were a little hollow, and I felt sea sick and the room was at a slight angle and the sun was in my eyes etc.

Hiroshima was our next port of call which of course was the site of the first ever atomic bomb to be used in warfare. They have some eerie yet strangely beautiful memorials and remnants including the A-bomb dome which stands as a reminder of the devastation that can be caused by nuclear war. It is jaw-dropping to be walking around in a city that was once flattened by something that the world had never before seen and fingers crossed, will never see again. Hydrogen bombs currently exist that are over 100 times more powerful than the Atomic bomb dropped in 1945 and Japan is quite rightly a country that is at the forefront for non-proliferation. It is quite frightening that countries still possess such weapons and the museums highlight the dangers of their continuing existence and development.

In Kobe, one of my former flat mates Ryo and his family took great care of us. It was here where I experienced my first Japanese toilet. Now I know that my fascination with toilets has become borderline weird, or perhaps even obsessive, but fuck it- this shit isn’t normal. When you open the door, the toilet seat springs open. You sit down on a preheated toilet seat where you begin your business. Good start. Once you are done, countless, unintuitive Japanese symbols confront you. Uh oh! If you press the right one, a jet of warm water shocks you to attention. The next button to find is the water off button. I nearly had to call Ryo’s dad to the bathroom as I could not get the damn thing to stop, and if I stood up it was gonna get messy. Eventually I worked it out (I think it was the yellow one followed by the pink one), and a new probe thingy popped out which could only be described as an arse hair dryer. After 15 minutes, I emerged from the ordeal feeling violated and thinking that in the future, I’d stick to toilet roll.

We also stayed with Kazuto, an Edinburgh footballing legend, who introduced us to one of the strangest customs we have experienced on this trip... the Japanese Onsen or public baths. An Onsen is basically a large spa where you get to relax in large hot/ freezing cold pools, saunas and steam rooms. Sounds pretty normal right? Well, it is, until you realise that you're stark naked with about 100 other guys. Orlando and I rolled with it and got to know each other on a whole new level. The best area was the electric pool which pumps little bolts of electricity through the water making every muscle in your body twitch! Since the Onsen, Orlando and I have been unable to look each other directly in the eye. haha.

We visited Osaka which was a large, modern Japanese city where we met a cat in a graveyard which I nicknamed Orlando cos it was ginger and a little needy. Kyoto is far more how you’d picture Japan. We hunted for and eventually came across some Geishas and forced them to take some pictures with us. We also visited some delightful Zen Gardens and temples on a bike in order to satisfy our huge cultural appetite! We then traveled by Shinkansen (bullet train) to mount Fuji where we made a fool out of ourselves by claiming that we’d be climbing it the next morning only to find out that it was off season, covered in snow and that we'd probably die.

In Tokyo, we continued our gypsy-like seeking of free accommodation by staying with Orlando's Third cousin, 8 times removed (or something like that). Rachel and Hendrik endured us for about 5 days and took great care of us (muchos gracius guys!). The first night, we crashed a leaving do where we got hammered on Sake before hitting up a Karaoke bar. Karaoke in Japan is a big deal, where you lounge in a huge room surrounded by more booze and then get to pick from about a million songs before a microphone is thrust in your face. The Japs are very serious Karaokeers and will sing ballads in perfect tune and expect people to politely sit and listen. When you visit with a load of Europeans, some South Americans and one Japanese local, it goes a bit crazy and everyone just belts out a few lines whenever they can be pissed. Orlando (being an idiot) decided that our song would be "It Ain't No Fun (If the Homies Can't Have None)" by Snoop Dogg et al, which starts with the lyrics "this is DJ Eazy Dick, on the station that slaps you across your fat ass, with a fat dick". After our rendition was cut short, the Japanese guy in the room made his excuses and promptly left. We also had an appalling go at "Killing me Softly", but singing with Orlando is like singing with a howling dog so someone saved us by pressing the "skip" button about 1/4 of the way through. What follows is a rendition of Stevie Wonder which I promised Hendrik (the vocal leader) that I wouldn't post. Couldn't resist...

Since Tokyoers are probably the hardest working people on earth (appalling suicide rates), when it comes to the weekend, they go a little crazy. We visited Yoyogi Park in Harajuku which feels like a dream. Firstly, the goth contingent is startling and they like to dress in crazy Victorian costumes with a twist of devil (the bastards even get upset when you dare picturise them). Next minute, you find yourself in an area where there is an American Pink Cadillac with 30 grown men dressed as Danny from Grease dancing for hours on end to various Elvis hits. Next you have an alley which is lined with wannabe pop stars who dance and sing their hearts out to anyone that'll listen. You turn a corner and there is a petting zoo where numerous terrified animals are force fed carrots by little clumsy Japanese toddlers. Animals are abused elsewhere by enforcing them to wear humiliating and degrading costumes. Someone call the RSPCA.

On our final night, we got horridly hammered again. On the train, we met the jokesest HeShe I've ever seen with full on stubble, a deep yet soft voice and who looked much like the main witch from that film "The Witches". We asked it for directions then backed off slowly. That night, we got pissed, had an argument, had a dance, fell asleep on the train, woke up in the burbs, pushed our way through the early morning rush hour, stumbled through the door at 7am, went to sleep, woke up far too late, wrote some postcards before nearly missing the old plane. Phew!

Well, there goes my Japan summary. I finish my post with a challenge: Anyone who can find a song with more inappropriate lyrics than "It Ain't No Fun" wins a mystery prize. Read the lyrics here as they are fucking hilarious you cunt faced chumps. Until next time bitches, this is DJ Willy G giving a shout out to all my area code hoes all around the globe yo! Syo-nara bastards.
Posted by Will Ryan under the category Travel.
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Hey Zeus! I have been a bad blogger. Too much having fun and doing shit. I am actually now in Australia with the simple people, and since I last posted, much has occurred including the hectic Japan (coming soon!). This bastard internet is costing me an arm and a leg so gotta be quick. Up-and-at-them.

The great thing about China is that you can pretty much just buy shit. Take our one day trip through Qing'Dao for example. We were walking about this beautiful German colonial town when we reached a pier where some old man was selling tortoises. 1pound! Fucking bargain. And that included a plastic home for him. We walked around with him all day and he seemed somewhat unimpressed by everything we showed him. I nicknamed him Orlando (in fact i nickname most the animal friends we have encountered Orlando) because they often share traits. Orlando was similar to Orlando the Human due to the fact that he was a little slow, constantly chewing on something, liked the colour green and was not a great swimmer. After a day of sight seeing, we had to release him cos we had a boat to Japan to catch and Orlando said that he didn't like the Japanese and their fishermen were evil cunts. Oh, that reminds me; just as we were standing on the beach ready to release Orlando back to the wild, a man who was fishing started waving frantically at us. It turns out that Orlando was a land tortoise, and dropping him into the sea would have meant certain death! eeek.

Shanghai was a little disappointing- vaguely futuristic, massive, spread out, lacking culture, somewhat ugly etc. I'll sum it up with snippets. Bartered so hard with a lady that she accused me of being Korean. Crazy street stalls selling all manners of sex toys and sex-related drugs. An under-the-river Willy Wonker-alike flashing "tourist tunnel" which was Balls with a capital B. Crippling ourselves for a day and a half after drinking too much. A sex museum. Having a hard time reading Dickens' Hard Times. What I did like however was the spontaneous dancing that would occur in the streets. You'd find some old dude dressed up in his finest and he'd be dancing on his own. If he was lucky, an old woman may start dancing with him. Sweet.

We hadn't yet encountered pandas and thought that we couldn't leave China without. After a grueling 2hr local bus ride through Shanghai traffic, we arrived to find out we were too late and the zoo was already closed. I was all ready to hulk-out until we realised a way to bypass the security and pretty much enjoy a private night tour of the zoo. We woke up numerous exotic animals by flashing our cameras at them and making mooo/eeeee oooorrrr/squaarrrkk etc noises. When we arrived at the panda enclosure they were sleeping so we did extra flashes and banged on the glass. The lazy bastards wouldn't awaken so we took a picture of its arse and left. When we eventually found legitimate Pandas in Beijing, they were like drunk, fat, lazy, clumsy, drugged bears and spent the whole time sitting down back to camera stuffing their faces with bamboo. They were sweet though :)

Beijing was brillyeent! Big shout out to the big dog pitbull Rebecca McAndrew and her China-loving crew who took good care of us. They live like kings with maids and a plate drying machine. I celebrated my 23rd Birthday (fuck I'm getting old) with Trip (that's a human name) at a Japanese restaurant (in China) followed by shenanigans at other drinking establishments. MyBDay present was one of the best massages I've ever had. Watching TV, eating food while some woman does stuff to my feet- thanks Rubes. Went to the classics such as Tiananmen Square and the Mausoleum of Chairman Mao. We didn't get to see uncle Ho in Vietnam cos he was being touched up in Russia so I was very excited to get a dose of dead, communist leaders. Rumours have it that the Mao-soleum actually holds a wax-work cos the pickler didn't know what he was doing and left the original Mao mangled. What we saw was what looked like Mao with jaundice and my skeptical self was slightly underwhelmed.

The Great Wall of China... absolutely incredible (and I'm not easily impressed). Moreover, so many people had spoken so highly of it that I was dead certain it was going to be tripe. Not the case. We pretty much had the wall to ourselves- walked for 5hrs and encountered two Aussies and one hawker (who sold us some cool postcards). The wall winds over hills right into the horizon, is derelict and run down with beautiful watchtowers dotted every 100 metres or so. I leave you with an image of one of the most impressive things I have seen on this great expedition. Brrrrrrrraaaapp!
Posted by Will Ryan under the categories Travel and China
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I arrived in Australia to some of the most shocking and upsetting news I have ever received. It is something that I have struggled to get off of my mind ever since and I am upset even writing this. Mimi was a beautiful, affectionate friend and anyone who knew her loved her and was drawn to her fun-loving personality. She has been taken from us long before her time and it seems so unfair. I really wish I could have been at the funeral but I heard it was a great celebration of her life. George sent me a copy of May's eulogy and it was beautifully written and fitting and I think May and the family are so brave.

Rest in Peace Mimi- we will miss you so much.
Posted by Will Ryan under the category General.
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